April 03, 2005

I Am Registered!!

Well. Yesterday was quite the fine day for ducks, wasn't it?

The rains and winds were phenomenal. Yet I still went into the city, in spite of the weather to meet two of my bridesmaids at Crate & Barrel. Thank you so much ladies for the braving the weather. Once we were inside it was fine. I'm not going to bore you with the details of our registry. If you really are curious, you can go to the website.

What was more interesting was the surreal feeling of walking around with a scanner and picking items that I think people should give us as gifts for our wedding. Nobody talks about that. How weird it is. You actually have to feel good enough about yourself to go around picking things that you are assuming people want to buy you because you assume they are happy for you and want to help celebrate.

It was strange. I've never been the kind of girl to fantasize about a wedding and everything that goes with it, so to actually be doing it is . . .I don't how to explain it.

I've been thinking about how I can explain the disconnected feeling inside me... not like in a crazy way. It's more like I have two selves. One self is very cynical and thinks weddings are utilitairian in that they are nothing more than an opportunity for the families of the brides and grooms to get together. The other self is actually, genuinely, out of her mind excited that I get to do all this stuff that married women before me have been doing for 100 years. The cynical self doesn't believe for one second that people really give a shit about me and my life or care about my happiness. The other thinks that everyone is great and deserves one opportunity like this where they can be celebrated and told how special they are.

I know there is some weird feminine psychology going on here too but I'm still thinking about to phrase it.

Do you get me?

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