April 30, 2005

Dating Amnesia

The Anonymous Bloggette wrote on April 4th that something happens to some women when they start dating, that they get dating amnesia and start blaming the "single girl" for her state of aloneness. I would like to say to the Bloggette that I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN. I was single fora very long time. Part of that time I spent single and not dating intentionally. Why? Because the two relationships I was in during the four year span before my 26th birthday had both turned out to be disasters.

I took some time to be on my own and figure out who I was. I recognized after a considerable amount of self analysis that my behavior was to blame for both situations - that I was not smart enough to realize that I didn't have to stay in either of those relationships. There's more to it, but I'm not into confessing my flaws and besides they are not the point of this post.

After about 5 years or so of being on my own and establishing my own strong identity, I started joining group activities.

Here is the point. I joined those group activities in the interest of growing myself and to benefit from the secondary purpose of any institution, socializing. I looked and scoured and tried to find someone new for my new personality. Was I to blame for not being able to find someone? I was actively looking. I did find people I liked but they were poorly chosen because they didn't return my feelings. Finally, I found an activity that I really, really enjoyed and through that activity found the one I'm going to marry.

Finding someone is a long hard process and the way to go about it is different for everyone. The single person is not to blame for being single especially if they are being open minded and giving others a chance by dating, talking, doing, seeing, listening, etcetera. You also have to know yourself better than you ever have before. It is only through knowing yourself that you will know who is and isn't right for you.


Do you think the right person is just going to knock on your door and ask to borrow a cup of sugar or some cleaning solution? No. You have to go somewhere and be seen as well as see others. You have to be noticeable. You have to be out there.

Now, that last bit of advice is NOT Anonymous Bloggette specific. I know the Bloggette is out there and really working hard and building relationships and keeping it real. That last bit is for those who happen upon this page and need to read that and need to hear and believe it as the wake up call it is.

For those who are trying, I don't know what to tell you. There is nothing anyone can say to help especially if you feel you are doing everything you can. Perhaps look at what you're doing and keep switching it up so you don't get stale or too jaded. Make sure you are not sabotaging yourself with unconscious body language and negativity.

Just know that I threw in the dating towel a long time ago. Joining trivia was just to keep me active and social and meeting new people so I wouldn't disappear among people my age. Finding Jon was a pleasant and wonderful surprise. I was lucky. Perhaps you need a bit of luck. I know I sure did. My luck had been bad for several years previous. But now I feel that my luck is better. But I worked hard for that turn of luck. As my mother says . . . "The harder you work, the luckier you get" but that's not always true either. Sometimes you are just working harder.

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