Well, I've been drafted this week to fill in for Valerie on a show that apparently got ruined last week. It's okay, beloved chickadees, she'll be back next week.
So you knew New York was going to get back into the actual game, not because she's anywhere close to a proper woman (I missed the first year of this, but she looks to me more like a pre-surgery Jocelyn Wildenstein than an actual chick. But then again, Flav looks like a perpetually-freaked-out Boston Terrier, so maybe that works out.)
The episode opens with New York, bless her evil little heart: "The other girls, they should be nervous!"
The Flavogram arrives: Deelishis is appointed to get the five girls to agree on which two of them should leave the house. Flav allegedly can't decide. (Krazy is on the note this time, and it's clear she's not much of a reader, despite her attempts to read an actual book last week.) Krazy & Bootz have a little warmup spat on the couches. (Bootz trots out her line about Krazy being "a fake ass lyin ass dumb ass bitch" again, which while starting to get old when Bootz says it, admittedly is pretty good. I will try to use that somewhere inappropriate this week before Rosie O'Donnell jumps the shark with it by dropping it into a Star Jones discussion on The View or something.) It goes without saying that neither of them are any good at actual arguing. (Next time Krazy is looking for something to read, I recommend some Schopenhauer.)
New York is just having a laugh quietly on the couch while all this goes down. She can't believe her luck: "I'm the HBIC, that's all I know. I'm the Head Bitch In Charge."
Predictably, the girls chose Krazy & New York as the two who should leave, and then Flav comes down with his fro turned out, looking like Huggy Bear's little crackhead brother, opens the ballot box & howls with laughter, saying that the two choices are the two he's had the best feelings for so far. He believes jealousy is afoot. I am taken aback by the very suggestion. Jealousy? Among these fine ladies? Unpossible! Bootz mentions that she only doesn't like New York because she wasn't there from the beginning. Flav shoots her down: "Oh, she was here from the very beginning." The plot, such as it is, thickens.
Deelishis: "There's always some kind of twist, like we're now on the outside because we didn't choose the right people."
Segment #2: "I'm putting y'all on ice tomorrow"
Buckeey finally gets a date night with Flav. (Is this really her first date night with him? There's only five hoes left! Isn't that leaving it a little late for gettin to know your potential future partner? Ah, just kidding, I wouldn't want to hang with her neither if I could avoid it.)
New York, oddly enough, can't handle Flav being with someone else, even for a night. After a year away from the show, apparently making minidresses out of human skins and being a special political advisor to Hezbollah, she suddenly can't stand to be away from "her man" for even one minute.
Buckeey is "very very very very, very very very" (that's 7 verys!) excited, to the point where, when she finally gets the call, she flies down the stairs and jumps into Flav's mouth like it's an open window out of a burning building.
So they make out in the limo, and it's all Flav can do to not grab her boobs in the limo. The spirit is very high in Mister Flav at the moment, and he can hardly contain himself.
Of course, he's got a very special plan for his date. He's rented out, that's right, a bowling alley! And they gonna be rollin'! And buckin'! And truckin'! How dainty!
Here there is a nice little montage of him clowning around with balls on the alley, and she, it apparently merits repeating, is "buckin! and truckin!"
She claims that a bowling date where they don't keep score and he spends as much time with his hands all over her ass as on the bowling equipment is exactly the kind of bonding experience she was hoping for with Flav, and I have no choice but to believe her.
* * *
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Krazy & New York are on the balcony, having a Love-In for the Insane and Hateful. They make a pact to call out the other girls one by one. New York, to the camera, expresses her astonishment at how clueless Krazy is, and how easy whittling down the herd going to be. (This won't be the last time she mentions this.) There's hope for this plotline yet.
Krazy gives New York a big hug at the end, and the camera pans in on New York's face, and they slow the tape down as she grimaces and sticks her tongue out. Krazy is little more than tomorrow's lunch for New York, and the poor little muppet is nowhere near smart enough to know it.
Flav & Buckeey come home, and he manages to take his tongue out of her mouth long enough to start his second date with Bootz. (For the first and last time in the episode, New York is momentarily not causing a scene trying to defend Her Man against these interlopin' hoes.)
Candles in the jacuzzi, Bootz lookin' "Brutaful. Bruuuutaful," and they both stare mesmerized at her boobs, floating in the water between them, for a full twenty minutes before Bootz drops the bomb about only wanting to make love after getting married. (I'm assuming that "making love" in this context implies sex would be involved.) Flav is, naturally, taken aback. "Just like I can break hearts on this show, my heart can get broken too, knowmsayin?"
And then, to the camera: "I wanna get married, but not right now! I want a girl I can kick it with right now!"
(I'm assuming that "kicking it" in this context implies sex would be involved.)
He ended the date immediately and went upstairs to take a shower. Poor Bootz. All she had to do was lay low and the drama llama would have chased one of the louder girls out the door. But she just cut her own self out of the herd. Oh well, I guess that was "real" of her, I guess, whatever "real" means. If we've learned one thing, though, it's that "real" has no place here, despite what everyone keeps saying every other line out they gold-diggin' fool mouths.
* * *
Next morning, Flav looks for Deelishis's bed to climb into. New York's bed is right beside them, and she's doing that thing where you hide under the blanket and make a little hole to peek out. You can see her seethe while they cuddle. See New York Seethe. Seethe, New York, seethe. New York, in voice-over, decides, right there, that Deelishis is her biggest competition. (She is, like it or not, as usual, correct.)
And it's Elimination Day! (Already? You don't say!) A Flavogram arrives calling out Deelishis for a day date. She excitedly goes upstairs to freshen up, even though Flav just left her bed about 20 minutes before. New York, suddenly incensed again, decides that she absolutely must disrupt this date, and it's going down right now. She follows Deelishis into the bathroom, and just starts calling her on random things. She isn't even making sense. She's just trying to get a rise out of her, and the funniest, slash-saddest, slash-funniest part is that Deelishis totally goes for it. No "You'll have to catch me later. I'm in the middle of something;" no waving a silver cross at her and hissing (that works against other evil demons; it's worth a shot here), none of that. They just get to wavin' and screaming, finger wagging, backing each other up around the bathroom like tiny sumo wrestlers: "You just a bobblehead bitch who is a ho for TV!" "Tired Raggedy Ann bitch!" Sure, it's fun to watch, but -- oh wait, it isn't.
It gets heated enough that Big Rick has to come in and get between them, and suddenly New York gets louder for one last ten-second stretch before finally skipping away, laughingly yelling "I just f***ed up your date!"
Deelishis comes down, having changed into jeans and a skull t-shirt, and quietly kisses Flav, who's all done up in a red felt turban with matching outfit. "You're my chocolate man wonder," she says, her legs draped across his lap in the back of the limo, and they go to a sad little stretch of beach, where there's a camel which they ride to his little tent ["Welcome! To my LITTLE TENT!"] where there was a belly dancer and some added-in-postproduction sitar music. Nice cut from them smooching in the tent to the camel rubbing his lips in the sand outside.
I find I actually don't mind Deelishis. I wouldn't want to share opposite ends of a long table with her, but she's the most well-rounded of everyone who's left. Unfortunately, on this show, that's kind of a liability.
Flav starts. "You & Krazy was closer than Batman & F***in' Robin, what happened?" Deelishis, taking the bait when she really shouldn't for the second time today, tattles about Krazy being a opportunistic bitch. Flav, acting completely shocked and taken aback, respects her candor.
New York: "Krazy is so clueless!" [Krazy=Klueless Kount: 2.] "This is all a game. She thinks I really like her!" Then she laughs, like Vincent Price at the end of Thriller.
New York is back out on her balcony, putting baby-heads on sticks, and letting Krazy run off her mouth, when Bucky overhears Krazy talking to New York about her, and she comes out and steps to her. There's some shoving, and again, New York watches two other girls fight and can't suppress a laugh. Krazy at one point looks over at New York, who shrugs, like, "What am I, an idiot? You're on your own, lady."
* * *
New York, with her hair newly streaked to look not a little like Cruella De Ville: "Krazy is so clueless!" [K=KK: 3] "She has no idea this is all a game. She actually thinks I like her!" She shakes her head at the absurdity of the situation. She, evil as she is, is us.
Bootz & Buckeey fill Deelishus on the fight results before she's three steps in the door from her camel-date. Bootz & Krazy hear the bell for round two and start to yelling at each other again, and Flav hears the commotion, comes in, and gives New York a big fat kiss, just for show. New York can't help doing the little dance of triumph in her seat.
New York: "Look at all this drama that I, New York, created, and I got my man, Flav, right with me! You stupid ass whores!" (Not even "hoes." Whores!)
Back to Krazy & Bootz doing she-said-she-said for Flav while NY can't contain her glee. A shot of one of the techs running across the camera field completely destroys the gravitas and legitimacy of this erudite and studied debate between grown, rational adults. Oh, who am I kidding. It's Springer Nation out there.
Everyone packs for elimination night in quiet tension.
Flav sits New York down for a what-happened. "I wasn't there for one side or the other, but... [you can see her thinking how best to say this] I was in fear for Krazy's life. Buckeey almost pushed Krazy off the balcony." Flav acts horrified, thanking her for the information. The main drama in this series now has nothing to do with the girls getting on each other's nerves, and all about New York & Flav & who's f***ing each other over more. To be fair, that's infinitely more interesting than watching the tumbleweeds blow through the dusty corners of Krazy's brainpan.
1st clock to New York: "My man wasn't gonna cut me without spending time with me!"
2nd clock to Deelishis: New York: "That moustache that Deelishis is rocking is thicker than Flav's! Her shit-stained eye and that moustache has got to go!"
3rd clock: Bootz. Cut to Krazy issuing an impressive string of expletives.
4th & last clock: Krazy. Buckeey is out (it's so sad when the loser loses her nickmname and Buckeey becomes "Shay" again), because of the fight. Krazy is so happy she's literally crying about one of "the entourage" being kicked out of the house.
New York: "Krazy is so clueless!" [K=KK: 4.] "She really thinks we're friends!"
So for next week, this leaves New York & Krazy in one corner, and Deelishis & Bootz in the other. New York is targeting Deelishis next week, which makes sense, as she's the smartest one (and the only real competition) left. Bootz is so easy to manipulate and set off, and Krazy is both dumber than dirt & still useful to New York, so next week is set up.
The first commercial off the end of the show is of Buckwild being added to the cast of some other show, so I'm glad she's still able to get work, and I'm glad they let her keep that lame-ass name too, because she still has three and a half minutes left on her Big Fifteen, and heaven forbid Buck Wild get ripped off of that for even a second!