January 31, 2006

Flavor of Love

(To see who Flav chose in the final show and to read a complete recap, click here.)

Wow. Wow. Wow. What can I say? This show just keeps getting better and better and by that I mean worse and worse. Flavor of Love is bringing out the absolute worst behavior I've yet to see on reality television. As of the latest episode there are only seven women left - Hoopz, Smiley, Goldie, New York, Hottie, Pumpkin and Red Oyster.
(If those names seem odd it's because those aren't really the names of the women participating in the show. Flavor Flav renamed everybody in the house on the first night. The names refer to something in their appearance or personality and help Flav to remember a unique quality about each one. In case you aren't familiar with the show, just before the elimation ceremony Flav looks at clocks hanging on a wall behind a curtain to choose which ladies are going to make until the next show. Each clock has a picture of each woman and her clever nickname.)

Every week there is a contest to see which of the women is going to have a private date with Flav. Last week the ladies had to prepare fried chicken.

This week there were two contests. One was in Las Vegas . . .whichever woman won the most money at roulette, won dinner with Flav. New York won that contest and basically revealed that she was madly in love with Flav and would get jealous if he went with other women - something that he said his woman would have to be able to tolerate. I know you're thinking "No wonder why she is SOOOOO in love with him."

The next contest was designed to test who can best stimulate Flav's five senses.

Flav started with a blind fold so he could test his senses of smell and taste. First he walked up and down the line and smelled each woman. He said they smelled like bacon and chicken and other food stuffs. The one who tasted like Steak scored the hightest.

Then each woman gave him a piece of herself to taste. Some let him lick their bellies, some let them kiss their hands - one enthusiastic participant stuck her tongue deep in his mouth. She scored the highest.

Then Flav hid behind a curtain so the women could get felt up by Flav. A few let him touch their torsos over their clothing and a couple let him feel up their butts over their clothes. One enthusiastic participant put his hands directly on her breasts while another just put his hand, excuse the vernacular, ALL UP IN HER S***. The breasty one scored the highest.

He also tested their singing voices and watched them dance in shadow. Basically, Smiley won. She was the one who stuck her tongue down his throat, she smelled like steak and she let Flav feel her tits. The big prize was playing in the hot tob with Flav. They made out big time and I suspect that it went a little further than just making out. This woman Smiley is really, really beautiful and I also suspect that she has some experience when it comes to either stripping, dancing or sexing.

Meanwhile in the rest of the house, two of the contestants Hottie and New York were competing for the CRAZIEST BITCH in the house award. Hottie is convinced that she is going to win. She believes in herself entirely and lies all the time. She said her waist measures 26 inches when it's pretty obvious it's at least 36. She said her hair is all natural even though you can plainly see that her weave is growing out. She also walks around in the most outlandish outfits, so that her DOUBLE D's are always, always on display. She's already redecorating the house - in her mind because she is so sure of her win.
If you want a good laugh go to her website.

New York on the other hand is so insecure and needy and dramatic and manages to stand out as the one who needs attention in a house full of women on a show for the attention. She feels left out of everything because basically everyone leaves her behind. The other women in the house just don't like her. New York and Hottie had an argument in the kitchen because Hottie was talking to Red Oyster about New York while she was sitting right there, at the same counter, eating her steak. The two of them really got into it. Each one displaying more bravado than the other until it escalated so high Hottie left the room. But New York should be insecure because she doesn't have a website.

The elimination ceremony - wow. Red Oyster eliminated herself because of a family emergency. When Hottie tried to console her by saying she went through something similar, Red Oyster told her "shut up bitch, don't make this about you." New York wanted to know if she was going to get a clock. Flav told her that if she was, she was and if she wasn't, she wasn't - that it didn't matter anyway because Red Oyster was out. (Red was added to her nickname because she wears red everyday.)

The elimination ceremony. Let me explain. If you know what time it is, you get the clock with your picture on it. If you don't know what time it is, you don't.

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