America's Most Smartest Model - Episode 1 Recap - Balls, Cherries, Balloons, Tires

So. Like there was this show on like TV last night where like all these models and stuff compete to see who's like the bestest and most smartest model and like we watched it and stuff and we like laughed cause it was like funny. You know?

It's my theory that if I watch enough VH1 programming produced by Cris Abrego parts of my brain will melt resulting in a self-inflicted lobotomy.

The premise of the show is simple - to humiliate models in order to make viewers at home feel superior. Although after listening to Ben Stein and his partner in crime Mary Alice Stephenson (who could qualify as one of the lacklustre contestants herself) we are supposed to believe that America's Most Smartest Model is earnestly looking for the contestant who possesses the right combination of looks and brains for a prize of $100,000.

The contestants are a mixed bag of nuts. Some of the models have just enough intelligence to operate their arms and legs while others are skilled enough to use four syllable words (correctly)in their regular speech. Actually, some of the models are quite smart as we learned during the introductions.

Several of the models profited from the introductions. They told Ben Stein about their academic experience and Mary Alice about their modeling resumes. After the intros, the contestants moved into their house where they discovered key coded locks. Their first test was to find the answers that would unlock the bathroom and refrigerator (year Columbus discovered America, etc). Then they participated in a spelling bee the winner of which gained an advantage. Danny was told in advance what to study for for the final challenge. And then for the final challenge the models had to walk like models while listing objects from assigned lists.

Here are some of the more memorable characters:

Daniel

Daniel is one of those contestants with an advanced degree. He won the spelling bee by spelling Bacchanalian correctly and by doing so earned an "EDGE". He was informed that his subject was Dinosaurs which he successfully named during his walking and talking challenge. He's really cute too.

Jesse

Jesse seems pretty smart but he's not quite a model yet. He finished second in the spelling bee and he's pretty good looking. However, he was told several times in last night's episode that he has to lose weight. I didn't see it.

Mandy Lynn

Mandy Lynn looks like a porn star and has done nude modeling. Ben Stein thinks she's really pretty but Mary Alice thinks she looks slutty. For her walking and talking challenge, she had to list objects that were round. So she repeated "balls, cherries, balloons and tires" over and over again through her challenge because she didn't want to keep track of too much. She's really sweet, but she might be the dumbest person on the show, in spite of her claim that she builds websites.

There were a few other characters who stood out.

There's Blond Rachael who isn't very smart at all and not that pretty. Although she is thin and blond. But between you and me she looks a little too old to be starting a modeling career.

There's Pickel - short for Jeff Pickel who has ADHD and a 135 IQ which he was quite proud of although I myself would not brag about my 135 IQ. Mine is lower than that but still, it doesn't seem like a high enough number for bragging rights. He is also very handsome.

There was a Russian guy whose name I can't remember. My friend thinks he's faking the Russian accent although I think he's legit. But we both agreed that he was cast as the BIG JERK on the show that we'll keep wishing gets eliminated but will mysteriously survive every elimination. He has a great body but a really lousy personality. He also looks like he's been punched in the face once a year since puberty.

In the end, the models who were sent home were Gaston and Victoria. Gaston and Victoria both did badly during the walk and talk segment. Apparently Gaston didn't impress the judges when he listed DIRTY PENIS as one of many things that smell bad. He also walked like he had a load in his pants which was also not very impressive. Victoria was the first one to spell a word incorrectly in the spelling bee and she couldn't list a European city outside of Italy.

I'll watch again next week.