I saw the nutritionist today. My results were better than last time. Last month, I'd lost 3 pounds and change, almost 4. I was upset because I'd set a goal of five pounds and didn't quite make it.
But today was different. Not only did I lose 5 pounds, but I lost 5.6 pounds. That means I'm down over 20 pounds in total. I was so excited I didn't even get the specifics with regard to my BMI and body fat percentage.
At today's meeting, the nutritionist and I discussed the difference between contemplation and commitment. The nutritionist explained how frustrating her job is sometimes because she meets people contemplating weight loss without being ready to commit.
My friend B asked me later in the day how I felt about my new style of eating and I told her that it's not something I think about. It's just something I'm doing. It's just how things are. I'm completely committed to losing weight. My new habits are ingrained. I don't really have to think about my diet beyond paying attention to my food counts.
I'm excited at the prospect of being able to shop in stores that DON'T have special sections for people who wear larger sizes. I've been contemplating going clothes shopping - a lot actually - but I'm not yet committed to that idea. It still makes me angry that larger runs of clothing that I like are almost impossible to find. And don't get me started about Macy's. If you want to buy plus size clothing at Macy's you have to go all the way to the 8th or 9th floor. At Lord & Taylor it's the same thing. Lane Bryant has great clothes but I always have the same problem with their shirts - too much of a seam allowance in the chest because the assumption is that if you wear a larger size you have a larger chest.
Anyway, I'm not quite ready to deal with all that yet. I know I'm rambling. Issues relating to weight loss and self worth are serious. And almost everyone deals with self esteem issues at some point or the other if not daily.
I worry that a negative experience clothes shopping will undo the small gains I've made toward recapturing the self confidence I had when I was thinner. Not that self confidence comes from weight but you know what I mean, right? What I mean is I'm starting to feel better about myself again.