America's Most Smartest Model - Episode 5

Note Du Jour
In the recap, we are reminded that last week VJ sabotaged Jesse by dominating their bathing suit shoot photo. This is the perfect set up because in Episode 5 of America's Most Smartest Model, there's a shift from Andre as the bad guy to VJ as the bad guy.

This obvious plot point is placed early in the episode. After a couple of beefcake scenes of male models lifting weights as part of their early morning workouts; after Blond Rachel explains how wonderful it was to cuddle with VJ all night, Angela reads the note du jour. The note du jour tells the contestants that their Edge Challenge will test their knowledge of anatomy. Angela reads the note with absolute glee because she has some kind of degree in animal sciences which she thinks will give her an advantage. Anyway, within the note du jour portfolio was a book on anatomy.

Remember, the thread of this episode is that VJ is an evil prick. And in true prick fashion VJ grabbed the anatomy book much to the chagrin of the other models. Those poor unsuspecting models. How were they to know that VJ would steal the book? Oh. That's right. Because he steals things. Pickel camera speaks that VJ is a slippery eel or something to that effect and laments that VJ grabbed the only anatomy book. But you have to wonder how much the models expect they are going to learn in the time between the reading of the "note du jour" and the actual challenge. You either know things or you don't. I understand the concept of staying up all night and cramming before a big test but cramming for an hour? I don't know.

Anyway, the models do the best they can, studying from the encyclopedias that are lying around the house which seem completely adequate. But they're not happy because as Pickel puts it - or was it Brett, the boys are starting to look alike to me - the information is so vague and doesn't tell them anything.

VJ may have annoyed everybody by stealing the anatomy book, but Angela seems to annoy the models even more because she's a know-it-all gloating under the guise of helping the other models with their studies. She explains the secum (what?) to Andre and jokes with Aussie Rachel that the human body has a colon and a semi-colon to which Rachel responded with a polite laugh.

Lisa knows that she has to "step up the smarts and the modeling" or she's in danger of going home. She knows there's a target on her back. And so does Blond Rachel who avows that she is going to do whatever it takes to prove that she is "a smart girl".

The best part of the study segment comes to us from a very special room in the house with anatomical models and a big skeleton. Andre is alone with a bisected model of a pregnant woman. Inside there's a plastic fetus which gets Andre to thinking about relationships between men and women. “There’s this male fetus, he’s not even born yet, and this woman’s suffocating him! Like, it remind me of my ex-relationship! Like, poor baby! They do this before we’re born! Give the guy some space! Och!” He may have some mother issues. SOVIET!!!
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The Edge Challenge
The next segment takes place in a science classroom at Birmingham High School. The models line up in front of science teacher Mr. Morrison. On the table in front of him is a tarp covered pile. And what was under that tarp? A pile of fetal pigs, of course. The models have to cut open the fetal pigs and identify 9 different organs. This generates various reactions from the models.

Angela is an expert so she's pretty confident. Daniel was a biological anthropology and anatomy major so he's fairly confident that he's going to do well. Blond Rachel seems upset. She had a potbellied pig named Chelsea and all those little fetal pigs reminded her of Chelsea the potbellied pig as a baby.

To get the models through the moral quagmire of having to cut up something dead, the science teacher explains to the models that these fetal pigs have never lived because their mother was ill and they were removed by C-section before they ever breathed air. Whatever. The only one who had a real problem with it beyond being grossed out was Blond Rachel.

The models did well on this task. Several of them got A's including Angela, Daniel, Brett and Blond Rachel. VJ's butcher block experience earned him an A as well. (I thought VJ and Blond Rachel were the actual stupid models on the show. I found this confusing because they both did well) Daniel had the cleanest board and the best carved organs (nudge nudge wink wink)which earned him an A+. He won the Edge Challenge which was an advance copy of the script that the models would be using in the Call Back Challenge the next day. And he would be able to shoot his commercial with warm water. All the other models would have to use cold water for their shower spots.
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Back at the House
After the challenge, we spend a little time with the models while they get ready for the next day. Daniel practices his lines and Andre practices taking cold showers. The next morning, the robe clad models emerge from the house into the bright morning sun. And in their robes they climb the AMSM bus and head over to a studio for their commercial shoot.
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The Call Back Challenge
When the models get to the studio, Mary Alice is standing there with Zosimo Maximo, a commercial director and Matt Heinze, the client. I say standing but I mean wavering. Mary Alice doesn't like she's feeling all that well. But before disappearing until the end of the segment, she explains. The models will have 10 minutes to shoot as many takes as they need and afterwords another model of their choosing will choose their best take. The models pair up quickly leaving Andre out in the cold or he may just have withdrawn because as he explains to Mary Alice, this is a competition and he doesn't trust anyone. But he gets talked into picking Pickel who he thinks is fair (even though he's American [my words, his thoughts]).

The models have 20 minutes to learn their lines. Daniel and Aussie Rachel start. Daniel is practicing his lines like he's just learning them. He had all night to learn 30 seconds of copy and his nerves seem to be getting the better of him. While he's rehearsing VJ is posing for the camera within earshot of Rachel and Daniel learning what he can. This leaves a bad taste in everyone's mouth (not just Rachel). The models were seething. Bret even said something to him but to his credit he told Bret to shut up in a very impolite way. In his camera speak he makes a point of making fun of all the other models by using a mocking baby talk tone and distorted face.
It was fun to watch the models struggle through their cold shower spots. In the end, Lisa and Blond Rachel did the worst. Mary Alice actually gave Blond Rachel an F because she lives to make Rachel cry. And much to the dismay of all the other models VJ won. VJ shot the best commercial. Andre addressed Mary Alice on behalf of the group, reporting that they thought VJ cheated but you know what? Mary Alice didn't give a shit. She informed the models that what VJ did was perfectly alright with her. And the client informed the models that he really didn't care as long as he had a good commercial. Zosimo Maximo didn't seem to care.
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Elimination
After the models cat walked their way into elimination, Mary Alice called down the two models who thought they were in the bottom two. And in perfect in sync, Blond Rachel and Lisa walked out of the pack. Mary Alice wasn't sure who should be sent home so she called for a "SMART OFF". Lisa looked blankly forward while Blond Rachel made a face like a guppy to register her surprise. If you look closely you can see her gills moving.

Here are the questions Ben Stein asks during the Smart Off and how the girls the answered. (a big thank you to DSO Records for doing the work of breaking out the quotes)

Ben: “In what country is Darfur located?”
Rachel: “Oh, I’ve heard about Darfur. I knew there was a problem there. Arabia?”
Lisa: “Yeah, all I could picture for that is a men’s cologne.”

Ben: “Who wrote the famous American Novel, Tom Sawyer?”
Rachel: “… Tom Sawyer?”

This is what I expected from these two. But then all of a sudden, Blond Rachel starting answering questions correctly.

Ben: “If you are betting on a 3-1 bet, and you win, how much do you win?”
Lisa: “If you’re betting five dollars? Five dollars.”
Rachel: “15 dollars?”
Ben: “Yes, of course.

Tell me, in what century was the American Civil War?”
Rachel: “The nine…teenth century?”
Ben: “Yes! She got that! She got that!”

Mary Alice gave such a look - a genuine double take. She could NOT believe that Rachel got one right and quite frankly neither could I.

Lisa wasn't delivering. So Ben decided to give her one more chance to prove that there was something in that pretty little head of hers so he threw her a real easy question.

Ben: “I think frankly, Rachel is way ahead in the Smart-Off, but I’d like to give you a chance to go a few more rounds in the Smart-Off and see if Lisa can pull herself together… Who did George Bush run against for President in 2004?
Lisa: “Oh my gosh… in 2004? Um, … Dole. Is that right?”
Rachel: “John… Kerry?”

Poor Lisa. She camera speaks that knowing trivial things like who's running for President aren't really important in the grand scheme of things. She insisted to Mary Alice and Ben that she had street smarts so Ben asked her one last question.

Ben: "What is Mary Alice's last name?"
Lisa: "Alice?"

Lisa was sent home. Lisa is weepy as she tells the camera that we haven't seen everything she can do. But the real last note comes from Brett who is determined more than ever to get rid of the sneaky VJ. And just like that we have a new bad guy.

A Noteworthy Scrabble Game

Jon and I played an exceptional game of Scrabble tonight. Together we made six bingos. I made the words "brainier" "cascade" "guising" and "zygotes". Jon made "tastier" and "overeat".

Here are our final scores.


And here is the final board.

Autumnal Arrival

I think it's safe to say that we've left all that nasty hot and humid summer weather behind and that Fall has officially arrived!!!

Yes. I used a capital F for fall. I know seasons aren't supposed to be capitalized, I'm just happy it's here - finally!!!

Mammogram

Yesterday morning I went in for my baseline mammogram. All I have to say about the experience is OUCH!!!!

America's Most Smartest Model Episode 4 Recap

Jesse was finally sent home. I'm sure he's glad to be out from under the cruel, cruel glare of Mary Alice's spotlight. For a complete and thorough recap that is also totally hilarious please visit my friend at DSO Records. I don't have it in me to do a recap this week.
America's Most Smartest Model
Episode 4 Recap

The Nutritionist

I had a two-week followup visit with my nutritionist. I couldn't believe it when she told me I'd lost 5 pounds. And I lost 1% of my body fat. I was truly, genuinely surprised.

The reason I was surprised is because I don't weigh myself and I haven't been weighing myself. There's all this baggage attached to my scale and I find it's easier not to face it directly for now. And I don't have to. I am using the nutritionist as a crutch, which is why I went to her in the first place.

I was also surprised at how off some of my food counts were. For example, I thought that 1 tablespoon of oil was equal to one fat exchange. Wrong. Turns out that each tablespoon of oil contains 15 grams of fat which make it's equivalent to 3 fat exchanges. But that's okay. Remember how I thought I wasn't eating enough in certain areas of my diet. It was in those areas that I'd made mistakes counting and turns out I was eating enough without going over by too much.

I thought I would have only lost two pounds because my doctor said that my new food plan was designed to help people lose about 1 pound a week. I never expected that I would have lost 2.5 pounds a week which is what I did. That means that if I keep losing at this rate, I will have lost 10 pounds by the middle of November.

I'm proud of myself.

Mystic Seaport

Jon and I went to Mystic Seaport for a two day visit. It was lovely. Here is a picture of Jon and me in a land locked row boat.


And here's the link to my Mystic Flickr page in case you want to see more.

Happy Halloween!

Swimming Penguins

America's Most Smartest Model - Episode 3 Recap

So much happened in this week's episode I've decided to follow the stories of two of the models who as far as I'm concerned are the stars of the show - Andre and Mandy Lynn

Andre
The episode begins where the last episode ended. The remaining models are celebrating with drink. Angela is doing body shots off of Blond Rachel. The boys are pretending like they're not more into each other than they are the women. And Andre is in the kitchen all by himself studying the encyclopedia hidden by VJ and Blond Rachel. He's studying it quite hard so it really must be the encyclopedia with all the information in it. (see last week's recap).

Those silly models. In an attempt to be friendly, they invited Andre over to party with him. He refused and took their kind invitation as a direct assault on his Sovietness. Daniel was offended by Andre being offended and he started blowing air onto the fire that is Andre's temper. What started out as a benign invitation to drink turned out to be a full out battle consisting of Andre's hyperbolic criticism of the United States government and Daniel's (look who's come out of the closet) hissy fit. I guess everybody went to bed angry and by everybody I mean Andre.

The next morning, Daniel was explaining to two of the women in the house exactly why Andre is such a jerk. Apparently, according to Daniel, there have been a lot of changes in the Soviet Union that Andre doesn't seem to know about. Also, according to Daniel, Andre is abusive to not only Daniel but to other women as well. This conversation was all in ear shot of a slowly waking Andre. The house may look big on the outside, but it's very small on the inside. Daniel's comments meant another well developed tantrum from Andre and more hissing and whining from Daniel.

The Edge Challenge
All these good feelings followed the models into the Edge Challenge. I'll describe this as best as I can. There were plates of food in front of each model consisting of something healthy and something junky. For every question the models answered correctly they got to eat something healthy. If they answered a bonus question correctly they could give their junky food to another model. There was palpable fear in the models eyes as they were confronted with the possibility of eating chocolate cake, Twinkies and pancakes.

After camera speaking about his muscle-inducing diet of . . ."eggs and rice and beans and stuff" Andre answered his first questions correctly and promptly gave his enormous piece of chocolate cake to Daniel. When Daniel answered his questions correctly he didn't give his cake to Andre but to poor Jesse, who is eternally struggling with his weight. (To play up his weight problem even more, the editors left in a nice three shot of Jesse shirtless and flabby with Andre and Daniel in the foreground). Why Daniel did this I'll never know. He said it was because this is a competition. But I think he did because secretly he has a crush on Andre and doesn't want to continue alienating a possible love interest.

But that didn't stop the other models from piling the cake on Andre's plate.

Mandy Lynn
It was during this challenge that the focus of the episode shifted from Andre to Mandy Lynn.

Mandy Lynn answered her question wrong. Ben Stein asked her which weighed more - a ton of feathers or a ton of rocks. Guess what she said. Yes. She said a ton of rocks. Her punishment was to eat a piece of chocolate cake. The Edge Challenge came to a crashing halt because Mandy Lynn would not eat her cake. She claimed it was because she has a small tummy, that she had eaten enough, that she couldn't eat another bite. The truth is she didn't eat any of it and like any good girl from Long Island with an eating disorder (I went to school with lots of them) she quit the contest instead of having to ingest something that might actually put meat on her bones.

Dropping out of the Edge Challenge meant she wouldn't be able to participate in the Callback Challenge. Awwwwwwwww.

When it came time to participate in the Callback Challenge Mandy Lynn found a note from Mary Alice with two boxes of hair coloring. It was time for Mandy Lynn to dye her hair one solid color. Mandy Lynn was surprised that she had to do it herself. She was expecting a stylist. But instead of dying her hair which I suspect she found too challenging because of all the directions and stuff, she was going to be a good sport and participate in the Callback Challenge anyway.

Callback Challenge
What was the Callback Challenge? The contestants had to work out with Gilad - the king of TV workout shows. Whoever won this challenge would win a spot in one of Gilad's workout videos from Hawaii in addition to an automatic pass to next week's show. As the models took their place on the workout mat, poor Mandy Lynn had to stand on the lawn. As thin as she is, there was still no room for her. Andre and Blond Rachel were grousing how hard it was to work out on a full stomach. (It probably wouldn't surprise you to know that most of the models were exercising on full tummies because of how badly they did in the Edge Challenge).

They all managed to get through the workout - all except Mandy Lynn who got tired rather quickly (probably because, I suspect, she never eats) and decided to retire back to the house and dye her hair. You could see the disappointment on Mary Alice's face as she looked up from her champagne glass. Did I mention that Mary Alice was sitting on a chaise with a glass of bubbly while the models humiliated themselves for the sake of this challenge?

I don't like this Mary Alice.

Anyway, in the end Brett beat Aussie Rachel in a one on one endurance competition for the Hawaiian video spot. A lot of bitter not-so-macho whining ensued. Those boys can be such bitches.

In the end Mandy Lynn was sent home with her new brown hair. But not before upsetting Ben Stein's balance. He was literally struck dumb by her boobs at one point of the elimination segment. It was so bad that Mary Alice had to take over from Ben, redirecting her cruel spotlight onto the slightly overweight Jesse. Before sending Mandy Lynn home, she managed to completely break down both Blond Rachel , for being too skinny and too weak, and Jesse who was in tears because he just can't please Mary Alice.

Mandy Lynn was this week's loser. I thought that was mean of Mary Alice to make her change her hair color if she knew she was sending Mandy Lynn home. I mean we all knew it was coming when she wouldn't eat that fakakta chocolate cake. Mandy Lynn was happy with who she is. She liked her terrible two tone hair. Why did Mary Alice make her dye it? That was just mean.

Tiffany Taylor
Something about Mandy Lynn's two tone hair made me nostalgic for a doll I had as a kid. Do you remember the Tiffany Taylor doll? She had blonde hair but if you twisted her scalp, she had brown hair. She was almost 20" tall and she came with a flowing, gold, sparkly evening gown. If I looked in my parent's attic I bet I could find it.

Close Up

Days 4 and 5 - Diet

Day Four was a good day for me. I rode 9 miles on my bike. I ate most of the food I was supposed to eat. I made something delicious for dinner. I cooked chicken with spinach in my wok. It was very good. Quinoa was the side dish. I was disappointed to learn after I started preparing the Quinoa that it is equal to brown rice in terms of carbohydrates. 1/3 of a cup of Quinoa cooked equals 1 of my 7 allotted starches. Fortunately, I had enough starches leftby dinner time, that I could gobble up a decent portion. But I guess healthy alternatives are just as fattening as other healthy alternatives.

Day Five is going okay as well. Although I'm having trouble figuring out where I'm going to eat being that I have to eat outside my own kitchen. I'm actually behind schedule on eating. I honestly believe I may not have been eating enough before I went on this plan. Or maybe I was eating too much fats but not a lot of food? or too many carbs? I don't know. But I do know I'm starving right now. I've not had much to eat.

I spoke with the nutritionist about the days when I don't consume all of my calories and she strongly advised against it. I'm eating 1409 calories a day right now. Apparently, as I lose weight, I'm going need to consume less than that. This was my first time hearing about this - on my cell phone, standing outside the August Wilson Theater. If I don't eat all my daily calories early in the game, my body is going to get used to that small amount making later weight loss more difficult.

I just want to meet my first goal. If I can meet my first goal, I'll be a happy camper. The first goal is to lose 7 - 10% of my current weight.

That's going to take me months. Ugh. What have I signed up for?

Day 3 of Diet - Finished

I know this isn't very exciting but writing this down is helping me keep track of everything. Blogging about it helps me organize my thoughts about the diet.

On my diet I can eat 7 starches, 5 veggies, 2 Fruits, 2 Milks, 8 Meat, 5 fat.

Breakfast
1 bowl cream of wheat = 1.5 starches
1 hard boiled egg = 1 meat
1 small banana = 1 fruit
That left 5.5 starches, 5 veggies, 1 fruit, 2 milks, 7 meats and 5 fats for the day

Mid Morning snack
1 piece of bread with 3 slices of sausolito turkey = 1 starch plus 1 meat
1 tablespoon of pumpkin seeds = 1 fat
1 green tea energy drink which sucked up 2 starch requirements thank you very much
That left 3.5 starches, 5 veggies, 1 fruit, 2 milks, 6 meats and 4 fats for the day

Lunch
1 grilled panini sandwich with cheese and salami 2 starch plus 3 meats counting both cheese and meat - I gave 3 fats to this meal, because of the salami which was greasy
That left .5 starches, 5 veggies, 1 fruit, 2 milks, 2 meats and 1 fat for the day

Dinner
2 very small steaks which I counted as 2 meats because they were an ounce or less each
a lot of lettuce, asparagus and broccoli.
I may have gone over on the veggie requirement for the day, but the nutritionist said that it's okay to go over on veggies because 1/2 cup of cooked veggies is only 25 calories. I probably had about 4 cups of veggies. I love vegetables.
1 glass of milk
1 apple

which leaves .5 starches, 0 veggies, 0 fruit, 1 milk, 0 meats and 1 fat for the day

I'm short 1 or 2 fats depending on how much fat was in that salami and 1 milk. I burned through my starches too quickly today. While I liked the hot cereal for breakfast, I may save the starches for later in the day.

Day 2 of Diet - Finished

(12:28 am - since I wrote this post post I've eaten quite a bit more - 2 T of pumpkin seeds for two of my fats; popcorn for the starches; an apple for one of my fruits and 1 glass of skim milk)

I'm done with my second day of my modified food plan. I definitely did not eat enough.

It's 11:30 pm and I still have to eat
4 starches
2 veggies
1.5 fruits
1 milk
1 meat
4 fats

I've pretty much eaten my normal amount of Saturday food too. It's funny to think that maybe I haven't been eating enough in general.

Of course I won't eat all the above tonight. I'll probably just have some popcorn and call it a day. I'll just have to eat more tomorrow.

Day 1 of Diet - Finished

I successfully made it through the first day of my diet. Although, I don't think I ate enough food to tell you the truth. The counting thing is more confusing than you think.

Today I'm trying a different counting system see if it goes more easily.

I am going to do this. I am going to follow this diet. I am going to lose weight.

Attitude Problem

This mannaquin has an attitude problem.

Nutritionally Speaking

I met with a nutritionist yesterday who told me some good and some bad things. One of the bad things she told me about was my percentage of body fat which is a high number which I will not share with you until after it's gone down because it's just too embarrassing. The good thing she told me was that I have achievable weight loss goals and that if I follow the plan she gave me I will accomplish those goals.

The very good news came from my blood test results. My glucose level is 100 down from last year's number of 103. I always worry that I'll contract diabetes in my later life, so even though the number is still a little high, it's improving. My triglicerides were 111 which is much better than I thought it would be considering my weight. My cholesterol was 168; 41 good, 105 bad I pay close attention to this number too as we all do I'm sure. Being very old is no picnic especially if you have problems like high cholesterol.

And I am definitely immune to chicken pox. I had that checked because another doctor told me earlier this year, that I wasn't immune to chicken pox. I was right to question that. I had a very severe case as a baby and I've been exposed to chicken pox through out my life without a problem. So obviously I'm immune to it. It does make me wonder if the doctor who told I wasn't immune to chicken pox was looking at the correct results. DON'T BE AFRAID TO QUESTION YOUR DOCTORS.

The plan is confusing. It involves food exchanges meaning I have a finite amound of food I can eat in different categories - like meats and vegetables and fats and starches - and the exchanges correspond to those numbers. For example, the granola bar I ate this morning counts as 2 starches and one fat.

The nutritionist said I seemed determined and she felt confident that I will accomplish my goal. I want to lose 50 pounds and I gave myself a year. The diet is designed to help me lose 1 pound a week, so in 52 weeks, I should be able to lose the weight I want to lose.

I may or may not be blogging about this experience. I don't know.

You all already know I'm 40 years old. You already know I'm married. Of course, there are plenty of things you don't know about me.

I'll see how it goes.

Seriously Noisy

Since we've come back from our vacation, the building across the street has been undergoing renovation work.

The work is very noisy.

A Very Good Recap of America's Most Smartest Model

One day, I hope to be able to write as well as my friend over at DSO who has written yet another fantabulous recap of America's Most Smartest Model.

Check it out!

Get Well Soon

My friend's dog is sick. I hope she gets better soon. She's a sweet dog.

Trivia Trivia Trivia

I planned my schedule this week to have Wednesday night free so I could attend a pub quiz at Dempsey's. That's not what ended up happening. Last week, I requested 8 shifts of work.
Tuesday night, Wednesday matinee, Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday matinee and evening, and Sunday matinee and evening. I got seven shifts.

Monday night had been in the works for a couple of weeks. Jon and I went with our friends Jonathan and Tony to Last Exit for their bimonthly game. That game has higher stakes. It's $5 to play and most of the money collected goes to the first and second place winners. We came in third having lost the tie breaker for second place. There was almost $400 in the kitty so that would have been a great first or second prize. But alas we came in third and won drink tickets which are pretty worthless to me because I usually just drink water or seltzer.

Last night was unexpected. I hardly ever have off on Tuesday nights anymore. So I went to Tuesday Night Trivia at the Baggot Inn. My friend and her husband were hosting. It was fun. There were four of us and we won first place with a score of 47 out of 50 points. The prize was a $25 bar tab. The cup of coffee I drank on the way to the bar for the game cost me in sleep. I could not sleep worth a damn last night.

So after my shift this afternoon I was pretty tired - from lack of sleep. And I decided NOT to go to the Wednesday night game at Dempsey's which is too bad because I've been planning to go since last week. It's a shame. The whole point was to get scouted for Cash Cab. Several of my friends have been on it and they've been scouted at pub quizzes.

I don't when I'll have another opportunity to go three nights in a row.

America's Most Smartest Model - Episode 2

1666
It's morning time and the groggy models are waking up. Cut to Mandy Lynn. "I want a title. I want a title. I wanna be America's Most Smartest Model - hiccup giggle." Cut to VJ telling the camera that "they" changed the combinations for the locks on the bathroom and refrigerator doors. The number MDCLXVI shows up on the screen while VJ sits down with pen and paper to try to figure what these letters could possibly mean. Andre jumps in and tries to explain to Pickel that M is 1,000. Cut to Andre. "Come on folks. Locks on the fridge and bathroom. Didn't I just leave Russia?" I got the impression that even ANDRE THE GIANT EGO had some trouble figuring out the code. Scene I ends when VJ successfully unlocks the bathroom door for his morning piss.

Jesse heads downstairs to the gym. Apparently he's feeling the pressure of having only a 2-pack instead of a 12 pack like the other guys in the house. He's determined to firm up and win the $100,000. But he didn't say he wanted to firm up to be a model. You have to trust me when I tell you that this is going come up again and again and again as the other models try to get Jesse eliminated. They'll claim that he DOESN'T REALLY want to be a model; that he is there for the WRONG REASONS. This is the glue that binds Cris Abrego shows. There's always one person who's not there for the right reason.

Jesse's workout scene is the perfect segue for what comes next. We see the bathingsuit clad models sitting poolside when Daniel comes out with Mary Alice Stephenson's note du jour which, she informs the camera, she gives to the models every day so they know what their upcoming challenge is going to be. (I'm glad that Mary Alice explained that the note du jour happens every day because I wasn't sure based on the name. I'm telling you, she could be a contestant). The note condescendingly starts with the quote - from noted philosopher Francis Bacon - "for knowledge itself is power".

The models were divided up into co-ed teams of two:

Pickel and Aussie Rachel (cut to Pickel who couldn't be more thrilled because he likes her)

Andre and Lisa (to which Andre replied "Who's Lisa?" Cut to Lisa saying how much it sucks to be his partner because he's crazy)

Brett and Angela

Jesse and Erika

V.J. and Blond Rachel (she's excited because he has a nice body AND he's so sexy)
Daniel and Mandy Lynn (cut to M.L. standing topless next to chubby Jesse who is not topless. Mandy Lynn is happy to be paired with Daniel because he is "one of the most smartest people in the house)

The models have an hour to study before they have to meet with Mary Alice in the living room and all hell breaks loose. VJ and Blond Rachel monopolize and then hide the one encyclopedia with ALL the information. Is it likely that one encyclopedia has ALL the information? No. But they don't know that. Poor things. They really are quite dumb. A large argument breaks out. And everyone is really mad at them. Much pouting ensues and Rachel and VJ have established themselves as sneaky and underhanded. Well. Until they all make up and become friends again tomorrow.

Puzzle Me Pretty

The contestants walk into the living room and find a board with different subjects kind of like a Jeopardy board but with prizes instead of dollar amounts. The prizes are clothing, makeup packages, props, hair stylist etc. - things that they'll need for the Call Back challenge the following day. They have to answer questions correctly to win prizes otherwise they will be naked at the next day's challenge. The better the prize, the harder the question. Jesse is understandably concerned.

Pickel starts strong by identifying Gold from the chemical symbol AU and wins doctors and nurses outfits. Mandy Lynn chooses a question from the WHAT IT STANDS for category and identifies GOP as Governors and Presidents. She took too long apparently, prompting derision from Blond Rachel who accuses her of taking too much time. This was funny because later in the challenge Blond Rachel told Ben Stein that Napoleon's last name was Pierre and it was Mandy Lynn who supplied the right answer, stealing Rachel's prize.

There's too much that happened during the game for me to cover. This is a blog post, not a novel. I'll sum up. Jesse and Erika won a bed and finger paints. They have to be naked for their shoot. Andre was angry at Lisa for winning lipstick instead of clothing because they already had a make up kit. Everyone else did okay. It wasn't as humiliating an experience as I was hoping for but I was glad the models were able to answer basic trivia-like questions, with a couple of exceptions of course.

That night the models started planning for the next day. VJ and Rachel practiced poses, clearly demonstrating that they are attracted to each other (for now). Andre and Lisa went outside to practice and Andre couldn't have been nastier. Lisa wanted to warm up by the outdoor fire which led Andre to accuse Americans of being weak losers that he obviously hates. They fought and we were left wondering if these two crazy kids will ever be able to work together as a team.

The Photo Shoot

The next morning Mary Alice Stephenson wakes the models up and then makes them jump into a pool. I'm not sure why. When they get out of the pool they put on robes and then get into buses they can go to the shoot with absolutely nothing. But jumping into the pool was completely unnecessary. They really could have just put on robes in their rooms and then gotten onto the buses.

Pickel and Aussie Rachel ended up practically naked for their photo shoot using only a stethoscope and a nurses hat from their prize of doctor/nurse clothing. But they had a huge advantage in that they were able to get their makeup done. The shoot went well for the most part. Andre and Lisa were able to work their tension into their photo. VJ and Rachel used their sexual tension to create a pretty picture. Erika and Jesse had problems. Jesse's big belly (again, their words not mine) made posing awkward and the two of them produced the weakest photo.

In the end, Pickel and Aussie Rachel won an automatic call back to next week's show. The two worst photos were produced by Daniel/Mandy Lynn and Jesse/Erika. Guess who went home. I bet you're thinking Mandy Lynn. Well. So did all the models. But you would be wrong. So now you're thinking, it was probably Jesse because of his terrible TWO-PACK stomach. you would be wrong again. It was decided that Erika just didn't have what it takes to be a model. In her exit interview, she said that she's going to prove that short Latinas can make it in the modeling industry.

I wish her luck. She was probably one of the sweeter contestants on the show. But it is a contest and a sweet personality isn't going to keep you on a reality show where bitchy personalities loom large.

A Letter to Whoopi Goldberg About Quitting Smoking

I've been watching The View from yesterday because I was interested in seeing the Hilary Clinton segment (don't ask me why. I don't even like Hilary) but I got sucked into Whoopi Goldberg's segment on smoking. She was filmed talking to several people working for The View to see how they quit, in order to guage how difficult it might be for her. I hope that she googles herself and finds this post.
-------------------------------------
Dear Whoopi.

I was happy to hear that you would like to quit smoking. But it will be difficult. You just have to do it. Don't TRY to do it. Just do it.

I smoked for a long time, about 18 years, before I decided to quit. It's been a little over three years. I told myself that I wasn't a smoker and that smoking was unnatural for me. That was enough. It was a struggle. But I did it cold turkey. I just had to train myself not to smoke.

Perhaps you've heard that the craving to smoke goes away after three days. Don't listen to anyone who says that. If you've been smoking a long time, that's total shite. You will want to smoke every day. The cravings are intense and they last for a very long time, but they do pass. Don't bother fighting them, just let the feeling move through you. The cravings start to decrease in time and intensity. Eventually you'll spend so much less time craving you'll forget you were ever a smoker.

Now that I've said that, I'll contradict myself a little bit. There were times when the craving took over so badly that I just had to have one. The other secret to my success was that I would smoke one cigarette every two months or so.

Because you're human, you'll have to give into it every now and then, but when you do after months of not smoking, that cigarette is going to make you feel sooooo sick. But it will satisfy. It will sustain you while you continue NOT to smoke. The first one I had after months of not smoking made me sick to my stomach. But even those occassional slips will pass. It takes a LONG time to completely quit smoking. I don't mean to be discouraging but you have to be realistic.

There is no mystery. There is no secret. There is no trick. JUST DON'T SMOKE. And eventually you won't need to smoke anymore.

Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself if you do slip, but stick to it. And you'll be golden.

Remember, you are not naturally a smoker. Smoking is not natural. Think of that everytime you want to buy a pack.

JUST DON'T SMOKE.

Footfall

Here's another less than creative film I shot of my feet.

A Short Film

Going through some old photos I found this short movie filmed on our old camera. I like it because it reminds of the kinds of films our parents use to shoot on their little 8mm cameras.

Parasite Pals

I was just looking through some pictures we took on our trip to San Francisco in 2005 and I noticed that I take a lot of pictures of odd things. I love taking pictures but I end up taking more pictures of things than I do of Jon and me where the things are.


For example, in Chinatown, among a billion other things I took pictures of, I shot these Parasite Pals. What are they? I remember posting about them when we came back from our trip but I complete forgot what they were. Parasite Pals are characters that appear on merchandise. Weird, huh?

Fall Weather At Last

Autumn has finally settled in.

I celebrated by going on a 10 mile bike ride with my husband. And it felt good to finally be able to exercise in nice cool weather. The ride was challenging. Not for Jon. He's gotten so strong from all the riding he did this summer - he doesn't mind the heat as much me - that he takes hills with little to no effort. But I still have to huff and puff my way up even the shortest hills.

But it will get better. I'll get back to where I was in the Spring and hopefully, if the winter stays mild like it has been over the last few years, I should be able to lose the weight that I gained this summer and more.

Hump Day

It's the middle of the week. Hoorah!! And I'm in between two work shifts. I would love it if there were somewhere I could nap for a couple of hours.

I used to have a very, very good friend that lived in the city. It was someone I grew up with. When we were friends and she lived in the city, hers was a place I could go if I needed to crash for a couple of hours.

I miss her. We were friends for a long time. Mostly, I miss the idea of her. In the end, she wasn't a very good friend to me. Everyone I met through her ended up either ignoring me or hurting me. And she used to hurt me as well. I trusted her opinion about everything - even those opinions that didn't favor me - and as a result, she undercut my confidence for years.

She wasn't always like that. Sometimes she was really cool. I learned a lot from her. She introduced me to many interesting things.

But she would always tell me things like "you're pretty for an average person" if I ever asked her how I looked. Or if I'd shown her something I'd written or photographed she would say "that's not bad if you like mediocrity". Her approval meant a lot to me but I never really got it.

It took me years but I eventually caught on to her confidence undermining and friendship sabotoging behavior and I stopped being friends with her. My life actually improved after that.

The reason I'm thinking about her now is because someone I've recently become friends with over the last few years, wrote an interesting post about people who we love who are missing from our lives.

It's very well written and adequately expresses that feeling of loss brought up by seeing or hearing something that was introduced to you by someone who is missing in your life.

Jon

America's Most Smartest Model - Episode 1 Recap - Balls, Cherries, Balloons, Tires

So. Like there was this show on like TV last night where like all these models and stuff compete to see who's like the bestest and most smartest model and like we watched it and stuff and we like laughed cause it was like funny. You know?

It's my theory that if I watch enough VH1 programming produced by Cris Abrego parts of my brain will melt resulting in a self-inflicted lobotomy.

The premise of the show is simple - to humiliate models in order to make viewers at home feel superior. Although after listening to Ben Stein and his partner in crime Mary Alice Stephenson (who could qualify as one of the lacklustre contestants herself) we are supposed to believe that America's Most Smartest Model is earnestly looking for the contestant who possesses the right combination of looks and brains for a prize of $100,000.

The contestants are a mixed bag of nuts. Some of the models have just enough intelligence to operate their arms and legs while others are skilled enough to use four syllable words (correctly)in their regular speech. Actually, some of the models are quite smart as we learned during the introductions.

Several of the models profited from the introductions. They told Ben Stein about their academic experience and Mary Alice about their modeling resumes. After the intros, the contestants moved into their house where they discovered key coded locks. Their first test was to find the answers that would unlock the bathroom and refrigerator (year Columbus discovered America, etc). Then they participated in a spelling bee the winner of which gained an advantage. Danny was told in advance what to study for for the final challenge. And then for the final challenge the models had to walk like models while listing objects from assigned lists.

Here are some of the more memorable characters:

Daniel

Daniel is one of those contestants with an advanced degree. He won the spelling bee by spelling Bacchanalian correctly and by doing so earned an "EDGE". He was informed that his subject was Dinosaurs which he successfully named during his walking and talking challenge. He's really cute too.

Jesse

Jesse seems pretty smart but he's not quite a model yet. He finished second in the spelling bee and he's pretty good looking. However, he was told several times in last night's episode that he has to lose weight. I didn't see it.

Mandy Lynn

Mandy Lynn looks like a porn star and has done nude modeling. Ben Stein thinks she's really pretty but Mary Alice thinks she looks slutty. For her walking and talking challenge, she had to list objects that were round. So she repeated "balls, cherries, balloons and tires" over and over again through her challenge because she didn't want to keep track of too much. She's really sweet, but she might be the dumbest person on the show, in spite of her claim that she builds websites.

There were a few other characters who stood out.

There's Blond Rachael who isn't very smart at all and not that pretty. Although she is thin and blond. But between you and me she looks a little too old to be starting a modeling career.

There's Pickel - short for Jeff Pickel who has ADHD and a 135 IQ which he was quite proud of although I myself would not brag about my 135 IQ. Mine is lower than that but still, it doesn't seem like a high enough number for bragging rights. He is also very handsome.

There was a Russian guy whose name I can't remember. My friend thinks he's faking the Russian accent although I think he's legit. But we both agreed that he was cast as the BIG JERK on the show that we'll keep wishing gets eliminated but will mysteriously survive every elimination. He has a great body but a really lousy personality. He also looks like he's been punched in the face once a year since puberty.

In the end, the models who were sent home were Gaston and Victoria. Gaston and Victoria both did badly during the walk and talk segment. Apparently Gaston didn't impress the judges when he listed DIRTY PENIS as one of many things that smell bad. He also walked like he had a load in his pants which was also not very impressive. Victoria was the first one to spell a word incorrectly in the spelling bee and she couldn't list a European city outside of Italy.

I'll watch again next week.

Brussels Dinner and Morning Walk

Continuing on with our tour of Brussels, Jon and I strolled the area surrounding the Grand Place until we found a place to have dinner. We settled on a restaurant called the Roue D'Or for some traditional Belgian food. I liked their decor. You can see they painted the restaurant in a style inspired by Magritte.


Jon ordered the duck confit while I ordered chanterelles. I was excited about the chanterelle mushrooms which are very expensive in the states (meaning I've never really eaten them before). But I was disappointed that I ordered them. They looked good but they were smothered in garlic and butter and I couldn't really appreciate their flavor. And I found that Jon's duck was WAY too salty. The restaurant was in Jon's guidebook so I was expecting the food to be better. I have to admit that it was good to finally sit down and have a meal. But I should have gotten a salad.

Either way I was content to be sitting in a fancy restaurant in a foreign country on the day before my birthday. During dinner Jon told me that he wants to get me a dog for my birthday. I'm still thinking about the breed. I'm leaning toward either a Norwich Terrier or a Shihtzu - both known for their adorable appearance and affectionate personalities. That news made me happy as you can see below. (That's funny. I'm wearing that shirt right now).


The morning of my birthday we were scheduled to depart for Bruges on an early afternoon train so we went for a walk around Brussels looking at the cool murals. We even had enough time to check out one church.

Here are two murals that I particularly liked.

This one was clever because of the use of tromp l'oeil while not exactly being real tromp l'oeil because it's obviously a mural. I guess no one really believes tromp l'oeil anyway but now I'm rambling and that's not very interesting.


The other mural I really liked was this one by Frank Pe.


There was a Notre Dame du Bon Secours that we visited - every big city seems to have a church named Notre Dame but that's enough about Brussels.

We packed our bags, checked out of our hotel and walked to the train station for the next leg of our trip.

This Stupid, %#$&~* Weather

Update 12:53 pm- Since I posted this morning, the humidity has dropped to 61% but now I have to leave for work.

This weather is making me nuts. I can't exercise if the humidity is too high. Is this an excuse? Yes and no. The dense air interferes with my breathing and makes exercising less enjoyable than it already is. And I like breathing. I find it useful when trying to get oxygen to the limbs I need for bike riding.

I was riding my bike with Jon in the spring and I dropped weight. But this summer has been too humid. I gained back the weight I lost, well some of it, and I've been waiting for the weather to cool off so I can start riding again.

This morning, the humidity is already up to 88%. I used to welcome rain as a break from the humidity but lately rain has just been bringing MORE humidity. In New York City, the weather stays humid even when it IS raining. You're thinking isn't rain 100% humidity? I used to think that too. But I guess the air can still hold moisture even if moisture is falling from the air? Does that make sense?

Even it doesn't make sense, I'm sure you understand that I'm explaining New York City is very humid.

And I wish it would stop already.

Brussels by Twilight

Following a nice, restful nap in our very peaceful hotel room, Jon and I strolled about the city at twilight to check out the local area and find a place to eat for dinner.

One of the first things Jon took me to see was the Manneken Pis. This is a famous attraction described in our guidebook as disappointing once you've seen it. And it was. They say it's disappointing because people expect the statue to bigger than it is. It was NOT as exciting as seeing the Bosch painting, that's for sure.


More exciting for me was the gift shop nearby that sold knockoffs of the peeing boy.


After visiting the peeing boy statue we stopped for a Belgian waffle because neither of us had eaten in HOURS. I love the image of this pouty girl who made our snack. She's probably happy to have a job but thinking that she's not going to be there forever. She might be think about her senior year of high school or her first year of college. But she's more than likely sick of dealing with the public.


We continued our stroll into the Grand Square down this elegant street that had a one of many beautiful murals based on Belgian comics and the most bizarre statue I've seen of Van Gogh.


Eventually we wound our way to the great square. If you click on the below picture you'll see more pictures of the square. It was quite lovely.


Most interesting for me was this statue of a local hero who recovered Brussels from the Flemish. It's surface appears worn because people line up to rub the statue for luck. Long after I took this photo we went back to the statue so I could touch it when no one was looking.


I know I'm dragging out this first day, but we did so much that I want to document it all so I don't forget it. The next posts will be about our dinner and the morning after.

Brussels

We spent our first day of vacation wandering around Brussels. Because we arrived so early, we couldn't check in yet. Our hotel was very strict about that, for reasons I still don't understand. This was tough because neither of us had slept on our 7 hour red eye flight and we both needed a nap. But we busied ourselves with a visit to the Royal Museums of Fine Arts in Belgium.

We saw some amazing pieces. The first painter we saw walking into the galleries was by Heironymous Bosch. I took several pictures of his masterpiece, The Temptation of Saint Anthony. This theme is one I hadn't before seen in paintings but now I am fascinated by it. We saw another work based on this theme in a French museum later on. What's amazing about this work is the utter imagination shown by the painter to express the theme. Here are some of the parts I liked.

Here someone is getting stabbed in his face which is also a rearend.


And these are two particularly surreal abstracts


This is a painting that I found particularly appealing but unfortunately I don't remember the artist. And the museum website is no help.

I also saw for the first time paintings by both Brueghel the Elder and his son. I didn't photograph these paintings because I was intimidated by the guard sitting in the room and the sheer number of people crowding around to look at the fine details of each painting. It could also have been that I was too tired to lift my hands to take a picture.

We travelled deep into the bowels of the museum to view thier most famous piece. It was literally five floors underground. And that painting would be The Death of Marat by Jacques-Louis David. We had so much trouble finding the painting that I was too tired to enjoy it sadly. But Jon was happy. And now I'm happy I've seen it in hindsight.

This is a view of Brussels from the top of the hill up which we marched to visit the museum. Our hotel was near that great spire in the distance.


And this is the first shot I took of Brussels as we made our way from the train station to our hotel which we were finally allowed to check into at 2pm.


Before we spent our day in Brussels I would never have believed that two people could see and do so much in one day. After we took a little nap, we continued exploring the city. That post is forthcoming.

Gobsmacked

Gobsmacked is my favorite new expression. I've been watching some reality show programming on BBC America and the word Gobsmacked comes up all of the time.

According to dictionary.com Gobsmacked means utterly astounded.

It's a great word. Don't you think?

Paul Williams

Last night I saw Paul Williams and his wife at the Drowsy Chaperone. I wasn't quite sure it was him. I remember the chubby faced Paul Williams when he made guest appearances on The Love Boat. But was reassured of my sighting when I got home and did some research.

He looked really good. He is better looking now than when he was younger and his face is much thinner.

If you're not sure who he is, here is a link to his website and to his wiki page.

And if you're too lazy to read those he wrote a little song that we ALL love called

The Rainbow Connection
Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it,
and look what it's done so far.

What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell, we know that it's probably magic....

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.

I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me.

La, la la, La, la la la, La Laa, la la, La, La la laaaaaaa

Happy Birthday Jon

Jon's birthday was yesterday. (Happy Birthday Sweetie).


On Saturday, I waited patiently for his departure so I could spend the day preparing a special dinner for him. We had to celebrate early because we had a bigger celebration for our friend yesterday.

Here's the menu.

Appetizer
Shredded carrots with a dijon mustard vinaigrette

Entree
Roasted chicken with pita stuffing
Saffron rice
Asparagus

Salad
Mesclun with dijon mustard vinaigrette

Dessert
Angel food cake with chocolate frosting topped with kiwi

With dinner I served a Riesling from Alsace. I decorated the table with a 1/2 dozen small sunflowers and I used our China for the first time.

I was actually going to make a beautiful creamy potato/asparagus soup but the weather was quite warm on Saturday and the apartment was infernally hot because of all the roasting and baking, so I served it with the chicken.

And I ended up making two cakes. The first one didn't come out so good. I used a muffin mix in a loaf pan, which technically would have been fine, but I buttered the loaf pan and then lined it with wax paper. The wax paper fused itself to the cake and burned because of the butter. So, I trimmed off the yucky burned paper and cut it into brownies. For the bundt cake, I sprayed Pam and used NO wax paper. The result was much better, as you can see. But don't be that impressed. Both cakes were from mixes.

In the end, we really didn't have too much room for the salad.

We had to walk off the meal a bit before eating the cake.

Back. Back on the Block.

Last Day in Europe

It's our last day in Europe and we've spent it in Geneva. We rode the train for over six hours to get here and to tell you the truth I'm pretty wiped out.

Jon and I have taken about 600 pictures on our trip.

The best ones are probably from our day trip to two small towns in Alsace - Kaysersberg and Riquewihr.

Jon went out while I was sleeping and took pictures of Geneva. I walked with him earlier but to tell you the truth my heart wasn't in it until my aunt called me about 4:30pm from France to tell me that my grandmother's operation was a success. Does it really matter what kind?

And after I post this, we'll be looking for some place inexpensive to grab a bite to eat.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Today is my 40th birthday. I'm writing this post from Brussels on a keyboard that is not qwerty. Yes. The mystery is over. We are in Europe. First in Belgium, then to France.

We spent one fun day in Brussells. It's a lovely town. The most exciting thing for me was seeing a painting by Hironymous Bosch - The Temptation of Saint Anthony.

Today we're headed for Bruges.

Smelly Man

Back at the cybercafe for a change of pace -- not.

My stalker is nowhere to be seen, but the man next to me smells soooo bad. But I'm using the best computer in the cafe so I don't want to move.

It seems the only times I like to write now are those moments I find myself with nothing else to do between shows. When I'm at home, I find myself working on writing clues for our online trivia club - or cleaning.

Cleaning is no longer the compulsion it was a few weeks ago. But, I still find myself at times, wondering what else I can clean with the magic of salt, vinegar and baking soda. Yesterday I engaged in a major cleaning push inspired by an upcoming trip. There is nothing better than coming home to a clean house after travelling.

Yes. We're taking another trip. I'll tell you about when we get back. Until then, you'll just have to wonder what we're doing.

Cyber Cafe

It's mid-day Wednesday so you know what that means. I'm celebrating my break between shows at my favorite mid-town internet cafe. One thing I like to do when I sit down at my station is to see what other websites have been visited previously by people who used the computer before me. Today I find for the first time a need to share where the previous patron has been. The website, My Foreign Bride.com is a website for "foreign ladies seeking marriage". I was looking through the ads. It's pretty eye opening. I can't imagine ever having done this to find a husband.

But didn't I, in a way when I had an ad on match.com, years before I met Jon. Isn't that kind of the same thing? I guess it was different in the sense that on a dating website you have to pretend for the most part that you don't want to get married so you can date decent guys who have to pretend like they do want to get married so they can get into women's pants.

At least on Foreign Bride.com everybody is on the same page in terms of what they want. The women want to get married and presumably the men want to marry foreign women.

Now I am insanely curious about who was using this computer before me. Other websites visited include a banking site for an Australian bank. And Gaydar.com.za. What does the za stand for? They also visited a website called Rentboy which is completely dirty.

Here is the scenario I've imagined. A gay Austrlian man vacationing in NYC was updating his friend's ad on the foreign bride page and then he went searching for his soul mate on two websites of questionable taste.

What scenario can you imagine?

Could This Be the Elusive Chupacabra

Phylis Canion claims to have found the mythical Chupacabra (pictured right) - as road kill - outside her ranch in Texas. Canion and three of her neighbors found three forty pound bodies of the legendary beast. She shaved one of the heads so she can test the DNA and trace the animal's ancestry. Canion claims that a chupacabra has killed 26 of her chickens over the last couple of years.

I would be more worried if it had killed her goats. Chupacabra literally means Goat Sucker in Spanish. So already I'm suspicious of this woman who is already selling T-shirts that say "2007, The Summer of the Chupacabra, Cuero, Texas" for $5 a pop.

Her local veteranian suspects that Canion found an unusual breed of dog.

That Woman

I saw that woman again today. She came to see the afternoon performance of the Drowsy Chaperone. As far as I could tell she was by herself, which is not a judgement, just an observation. I felt a little bad because during the walk-in, there were two or three times when she just seemed to be hovering in my general area and I ignored her. I acted like I didn't recognize her. That does definitely make me a mean person. But isn't that a strange coincidence? I wonder if she found my website. I wonder if she's stalking me. Now that's ridiculous right? That's the kind of thinking that could drive someone crazy. Of course I don't believe she's stalking me. It's a coincidence. That's all.

1 hour later
She's just arrived at the internet cafe. She just went behind my little table to get gum from the "never been changed or cleaned" gum ball machine. But it's a coincidence. . . right?

Loud Music Eminating From Cars

Have you ever noticed that people NEVER blast classical music or show tunes on their super neato sound systems? You never hear Vivaldi's Four Seasons or the cast recording of Oklahoma pouring out of a slick looking SUV with all its windows rolled down.

Sometimes, I fantasize that I'm driving slowly through Astoria while Patti Lupone and Michael Cerveris sing a duet from last year's production of Sweeney Todd so loud that the vibrations from the music set off car alarms as I roll down the street.

Different Things

Drowsy Chaperone Fatigue
I'm working my third consecutive week of Drowsy Chaperone and I'm bored with it. Although, last night's performance made me laugh for the first time in 6 days. The performers were really crisp and everybody's timing was perfect. I watched the whole thing - yet again.

Secret Online Jeopardy Society
Before joining the above mentioned club, I never believed people who said they made friendships on line. At this point, Jon and I have gotten to know at least a dozen people in this world and we are looking forward to organizing a meet-up some time in October to put faces with names.

VH1's Rock of Love
This show is boring. All the women competing for Bret Michaels' love seem to have the same personality. Maybe it's because Bret Michaels boring. I don't know. It's just not hitting the same way as Flavor of Love.

Slow Walkers
It feels like it has happened to me at least a bajillion times since I've been living in New York city, no exaggeration. And it's this. People cut in front me only to walk at a slower pace.

This plea goes out to tourists and New Yorkers who aren't on their way to work.
If I am walking faster than you please don't cut me off and spread out in front of me with your party of six slow moving relatives and/or friends. There are actually some people walking around Times Square that are on their way to work.

If we were driving on the parkway instead of walking on the sidewalk, you would never do that.

Garbage, Garbage Everywhere
I am still baffled by the number of people who leave garbage on the street. I've actually seen people throw garbage on the ground within 5 feet of a garbage can. Astoria responded to the garbage problem by installing these beautfiul, obvious, self-contained garbage cans - to encourage people to throw their garbage away no doubt. Yet somehow there are still people strewing garbage on the sidewalks and streets of the community in which I live.

There is this Woman

I've probably mentioned that I hang out at an internet cafe between matinee and evening performances when I'm working. They serve food and their computers are decent to excellent condition so I get a lot of needs met when I spend time there.

The only need that hasn't been met is a social one. I tried once but it didn't quite work out. See. Usually I am one of very few people in there that isn't a tourist. One day, I noticed a woman a little bit younger than me pacing back and forth, talking on her cell phone. She was telling her mother about a job interview and how she's moving to New York City. So when she got off the phone with me I struck up a conversation with her in the hopes of starting a friendship. At first she seemed okay but then as the conversation progressed she started to sound crazy.

Apparently, she had a seen a certain Broadway show umpteen times because she is "friends" with the star and sees the show as often as she can. I felt her claim to be "friends" with the actress was a little bit forceful. The conversation left me with that impression by the time I had to go to work.

The next time I saw her, she was talking about Rosie O'Donnell. Apparently, Rosie has become a devisive conversation issue, especialy if you don't agree with Rosie's psychotic conspiracy theories about 9/11. This woman talked about Rosie O'Donnell as if she were the second coming of Jesus Christ's mother. Granted I respect Rosie for adopting older children with problems who need home. But when it comes to politics and/or singing and dancing, she really needs to stop whatever she's doing and just focus on her kids.

What I'm trying to say is that this conversation cemented in my mind the levels of instabilitiy fluctuating inside the head of this woman, who I have now realized is living in New York and apparently near the theater district. I see her all the time. She's always coming in and out of the internet cafe and most recently, I saw her walking her butterscotch colored lhasa apso.

When I saw her last time, I was thinking that maybe she was telling the truth. Maybe she is friends with a certain individual. I thought this while avoiding eye contact with her. Since meeting her, I have backed away from initiating friendships with strangers. I've had better luck picking up friends at the various theaters where my company sends me on a weekly basis.

Making friends in New York City is tough.

Finnish YMCA Cover

The Drowsy Chaperone - Changes

Last week I worked at the Drowsy Chaperone. There have been some changes since I was last there.

JoAnne Worley has replaced Georgia Engel as Mrs. Tottendale, mother of the bride. It's really great to see her on stage. Do you remember JoAnne Worley? I don't remember her from her stage career, but I do remember her from Laugh- In re-runs. She was the tall brunette witht he big brassy personality and the crazy laugh who sometimes wore boas. I really must have liked her as a kid. After watching her perform in her signature style, I realized that I've been impersonating bits of her act for most my life.

Now that's star power. Her influence on my personality is deeply ingrained. And of course she's a delight. I will say that she doesn't play the part as well as Georgia Engel, but that doesn't mean she's not doing a great job. She brings a lot of energy to the roll and at 70 years of age that's no small feat. Of course she looks fabulous.

Mara Davi has successfully replaced Sutton Foster as Janet Van der Graff, the bride. I didn't think it was possible for someone to fill in because the part is extremely demanding vocally and physically. But Mara Davi is doing great. The last time I saw Mara Davi she was just a few months ago. She played Maggie Winslow in the revival of A Chorus Line. Every day before the show, the actors warm up for the big night ahead. And I remember that Mara had different warmup exercises than the other performers.

She would practice spinning a lasso and twirling a batton. Little did I know that she was getting ready to fill in for Sutton Foster. Both those tricks have been added to the Show Off number. Basically, the Janet Janet Van der Graff character performs a number explaining to her adoring fans how she no longer wishes to be in the spotlight while simultaneously performing amazing feats - like jumping through hoops and doing back flips to name a couple. Great number and Mara is just perfect. I found out that the producers had remembered from her audition and that's how she got the part. I've seen A Chorus Line without her and the show suffers a little for it. She's wonderful.

The other cast changes wouldn't mean anything to anyone except for the families of the people who joined the cast or moved from the chorus - not to say that they're not good, it's just that there roles are secondary to the ones mentioned above.

So, if you're in Drowsy Chaperone now and you happen upon this page, please don't be insulted that I left you out of the above review because you know you're great. You wouldn't be in a Broadway show if you weren't.

Rock of Love - Catch Up

Episode 3 - Motocross
Three teams of four girls each race each other motorbikes to win dates with Bret. There was a lot of trash talking and quite a bit of falling down. The four women to win dates were Magdalena, Samantha, Rodeo and Brandi M. Bret broke the dates up into two separate activities. First Samantha and Magdalena watch a film about Bret's life (cheesy) in the garden. He makes out with both of them. (yuck).

That night, Lacey tried to engage Dallas in a fight in an attempt to get Dallas sent home. She had to be restrained by Rodeo when she took it too far. Then the next day, Rodeo and Brandi M. wore personalized bikinis for an out door lunch. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. Of course Rodeo told Bret about the incident with Lacey (rat) in an effort to prove to him how these girls "aren't good enough for him".

In the end, Dallas ended up being sent home. She left in a huff, not even hugging or kissing Bret good bye. He was put off by that but hey. Can you blame her? He did reject her. And he kept Lacey even though/because he is scared she might kill him in his sleep. Kristia was also sent home. What do you mean you don't know who she is? Exactly his point. She didn't make much of an impression on Bret or the cameras.

Episode 4 - Riff It Good
The women paired off to write new lyrics for one of two songs written by Bret Michaels. When they were done, they performed their songs. This was a pretty lame show. I'll sum it up really quickly. Rodeo cried so much about missing her son that Bret sent her home. He also sent home Brandi C. because, according to him, she was too much of a young spirit. I think she was just way too much of a porn star - even for him. Oh and then there was the dumb act that she thought she was putting on. You could tell that she was acting dumb even though she thinks she's smart. Unfortunately for her, she's not really all that smart to begin with so she wasn't acting as much as she thought she was.

Episode 5 - First Annual Bret's Mud Bowl
In this episode, along with the slutty, backstabbing shenanigans the women played touch football in the mud. No. Seriously, this show is getting lamer every week. Instead of making them compete and hurt each other, which is what they did, he should have just had the women roll around in the mud which is what he wanted anyway. He should have had a wet-with-mud T-shirt contest. The winner of the day was Jess - a blonde with pink streaked hair. Bret deemed her to be the most athletic. She narrowly beat out Heather who, by the way, in case you didn't know, wears more makeup than should be legally allowed in the contiguous United States.

The main drama of this episode was caused by Heather who wrote a letter to Bret ratting out the other girls. There was a lot of she said/she said and a lot of one on one meetings with Bret. In the end, Erin was sent home because she wasn't "really there for him" an allegation brought against her by Heather who of course is "really there for him". You can tell that Heather is "really there for him" because she keeps tattling on all the other girls.

Whatever. Rock of Love is about 1/5 of 1% as interesting as Flavor of Love.

I can't wait to see what happens next week. Not.

Coconut Lime Chicken

Tonight I roasted a chicken. I marinated it for an hour in coconut milk and freshly squeezed lime juice. I stuffed the chicken with pineapple chunks and then roasted it on a bed of pineapple slices. The result was heavenly. The sauce ended up tasting like pina colada (no surprise there) and the chicken was tender and juicy. I knew that the combination of ingredients wouldn't be terrible but I had no idea everything would taste so gosh darn good. For a side dish, I prepared VIGO saffron rice which I topped with the roasted pineapples.

And everything on the plate received a good dose of the delicious sauce/drippings.

Fabulous.

Rock of Love - Talk Dirty To Me - Episode 2

She's Not Realy Here for You
At the top of this episode, Heather overhears Erin talking about her ex-fiancee with a couple of women in the house. Heather misinterpreted Erin's comments and started telling everyone who would listen that Erin was engaged and gettting married in the fall. This misunderstanding would lead to a confrontation later in the show. Heather felt like it was her responsibility to inform Bret that one of the girls "wasn't really there for him"(a continuous theme in the VH1 dating show genre) and Bret invited them both to sit and discuss the matter with him so he could ferret out the truth. In the end, Bret believed that Erin was indeed NOT engaged.

If You Leave Out Instruments, They Will Come
For absolutely no reason at all, the beginning of the episode bought us our first true episode of debauchery for the season. Some of the girls decided to start fooling around with the instruments set up in what seemed like a random shrine to music. Bret heard this nasty noise and decided to join the fun. He started playing guitar and the girls started dancing around without their shirts. I'm not really a drinker so any drinking at all seems excessive to me. With that said, these girls were already three sheets to the wind. The women whe weren't participating sat in judgement and then something anti-climatic, yet completely expected happened. The womyn split into two groups.

Slutty vs. Bitchy - Can't We All Just Get Along
The Slutty girls were characterized by their willingness to drink and dance around a stripper's pole. The Bitchy girls were characterized by their reluctance to dance around with their tops off and their unwillingness to spend every moment of every day completely and utterly wasted.
There was some excitement when Lacy from the sluttly girls decided to push Jes from the Bitchy girls into the pool.

Apparently Jes's sobriety really got under Lacy's skin giving Lacy the idea that Jes was stuck up and sitting in judgement of the drunk girls. So, it made perfect sense to Lacy that she should push Jes in the pool, which she did. I'm sure if I were a guy that would have interpreted that interplay as sexy as shit. But as a woman, that moment didn't too much for me. But it did tell me one thing. The genius behind the show, Cris Abrego, really knows his audience.

Talk Dirty To Me
Every week the womyn have to compete. In this week's competition, they had talk dirty to Bret on the telephone - the premise being of course that if he is on the road, he'll want to talk dirty to whoever he picks to be his girlfriend at the end of the show. But how would he really know just how effective their dirty talk could be? He brought in a "doctor" who hooked Bret up to a machine that measured blood flow to his gleenus (I'm using gleenus as a subsititution for you know what so I don't get inundated with people looking for pictures of or stories about you know what).

After he was hooked up to the ridiculous machine, the womyn took turns trying to get him excited with their clever, sexy phone talk. The three winners Rodeo, Erin and Lacey went to a recording studio with Bret and laid tracks of groaning, moaning and giggling over Bret's singing. It was kind of stupid.

The girls who failed to turn him on were sent home. They include "don't-threaten-me-a-good-time" Tiffany, the unmemorable Faith and Tawny, and "dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks" Tamara.

95 degrees and counting

It's 5 pm on a Wednesday afternoon and it's 95 degrees outside. When we're not in the dog days of summer, at 5 pm we begin to feel a cool down but not in August; not in New York City. Every year in August we experience hot humid weather for days and days at a time. We're coming to the end of a long spell which should break tonight with thunderstorms.

Or will it? This morning's thunderstorms brought not only flooding but a continuation of the hot humid weather many of us are starting to loathe. I'm so happy that Jon and I have air conditioning. I grew up in this area without air conditioning and for as long as I can remember, brutal weather has always come at the end of July and lasted through most of August.

When I was a kid, I would go for nights without sleeping because of the heat. I would just lie awake for hours in puddles of sweat until September came. There were many nights those summers when I'd sleep outside on my porch in a sleeping bag, waking up covered in mosquito bites. When the weather did finally cool down and I could get some sleep, school would start and I would be sad about how unfair that was.

When I got to living on my own in Astoria, I spent years without air conditioning because of the wiring in my building. I could never run an A/C without jumping a circuit. But finally, the landlord rewired the building and I've been living with an air conditioner ever since.

Is the A/C making me soft? I don't know. You may or may not remember the summer before 9/11 but that was a freaking hot summer. My apartment was so hot, it was like living inside an oven. And when I would go outside I would get absolutely no relief. Those were the days before the A/C. On those hot nights I would get some sleep, but not enough to be qualified as good sleep. The only relief would come from going to work where the rooms were cooler or when I could sleep at a relative's house - a relative that had A/C.

I never get used to this weather. Some people do. And would you believe that some people actually enjoy it.

All I have to say is thank goodness for air conditioning. It's a blessing. It's expensive but it's a blessing.

I look forward to the autumn when I can open my windows and air out my house and feel a natural cool breeze, because I really don't like how air conditioned air feels or smells. But I sure do like the way it feels. We live our indoor lives at 72 degrees - 75 if we're trying to be economical.

And it's an absolute blessing.

Rock of Love

When ABC first aired The Bachelor five years ago, the producers probably had no idea what affect that show would have rn television programming. No one could have imagined for example that Flavor of Love would be the fruit of the tree that grew from the seed planted in our collective conscience in 2002. If you look at the geneology of Flavor of Love, credit is given to VH1's "Celebreality" programs Surreal Life and Strange Love. Flavor of Love was born from the latter. But surely The Bachelor strongly informed the format of the show.

I really enjoyed The Flavor of Love (T.F.O.L.), because it took The Bachelor and turned it on its head. It seemed like T.F.O.L. participants were behaving in a more "real" way, although I'm sure a lot of what happened was staged. There was something more sincere about a show where the women acted impulsively like the T.F.O.L. girls which was more interesting than the measured behavior and controlled responses of the contestants from The Bachelor.

Therefore, it should come as no surprise to you that I am currently watching and enjoying VH1's new program Rock of Love. Why? Why do I keep watching these shows that allow women to make fools of themselves? Because I can't stop myself.

I've missed commenting on the first four episodes so I'll do a quick summary to catch you up.

Rock of Love - Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time - Episode 1

In the first show we met the 25 wanna-be rock girlfriends to Bret Michaels's (check out this link to his shameless website) Flav. The 25 contestants waited in a clump outside Michael's mansion (which I'm guessing was provided by VH1 like in Flavor of Love and I Love New York) while he rolled in (at about 5 mph) on his rock'n'roll motor cycle. Michaels waved hello and quickly went inside. It was at that time that his body guard, Big John (see Big Rick) picked five women out of the clump to send home - based on first impressions. In that group was a mess of a woman named Tiffany.

After the 20 remaining got set up in the "rock manor" and started drinking dubious amounts of alcohol, Tiffany decided that she wasn't going to accept Big John's word as final and stormed back to the manor and started pounding, pounding, pounding on the front door until he let her in. He told her that she could stay but she was going to have to sleep in the bathtub - which are better accommodations than she deserved. She got completely drunk, wasted, incoherent and made a fool of herself. She kept repeating the phrase "don't threaten me with a good time."

Because of her bad behavior she pushed away the other "womyn". When they wouldn't let her play their reindeer games, she of course interpreted that as a sign of jealousy. Surely, if she weren't such a serious competitor for Bret Michaels's love, they would be nicer to her. Talk about delusional. Of all the women there, she was by far, the sloppiest mess which is quite an accomplishment when you consider the level of sloppy drunkeness in the house.

In the interest of keeping this summary short (don't worry, they'll be plenty of time to get to know the contestants later) I'm going to leave out all the other personalities that were introduced that night. But among the women that Bret Michaels decided to keep around to "rock his world", Tiffany was chosen because he felt she deserved a second chance to prove how wonderful a person she could be if and when she got sober.

You see, he understands what it's like to get so wasted that you make a complete ass of yourself. I guess he didn't want to come off as a hippogriff, I mean a hypocrite. (Sorry, I've got Harry Potter on the brain).

He sent six women packing and 15 remained.

Minneapolis Bridge Collapse

The bridge collapse was very sudden and very scary. The morning reports said that four were killed which is down from yesterday's count of seven.

In a way, the bridge collapse reminds of 9/11. The landscape of Minneapolis is forever changed. New Yorkers and people who visit and work in New York City know what I'm talking about. The two towers of the World Trade Center stood for about 30 years before they were knocked down. It took me a long time to get used to not seeing the towers whenever I look down Fifth Avenue. I'm still not used to it.

It will be a long time before Minnesotans get used to their new daily landscape.

I hope the death toll doesn't go up.

Deuce

This week I am working at Deuce - a full week of it.

It's really exciting to Angela Lansbury and Marian Seldes on stage, especially Lansbury. But the show isn't as good as they are. Of course, they make it interesting. Either one of them could recite my weekly shopping list and make it interesting. But the play(just read the NY Times review, Ben Brantley agrees) by Terrence McNally, is just eh.

I recommend seeing the show (it's Angela Freakin' Lansbury for crying out loud) but not paying full price . It is available at TKTS for 50% off.